Darknight walked into the great hall of the Fortress of Maple Leaves, freshly showered, wounds tended and wearing a new suit (black, as ever) to find that the celebrations hit him between the eyes like Arwen's hockey stick.
RCMP, Crusaders and Scotsmen were dancing around the room, their feet shaking dust from the rafters as they drained flagons of Maple-syrup mead and Labatt's. The music from the massive sound system pounded like a jackhammer and occupied the room like a living thing as the sozzled warriors ate, drank and cavorted as if it might be their last chance.
"Not as dumb as they look," said Arwen, approaching Darknight and handing him a foaming mug of Canadian lager. Darknight nodded and looked around the room.
KingLegolas was standing in the DJ's booth at the end of the room, handling vinyl like he was born to it, occasionally blasting out a small section of rap over the PA system. Olorin was learning the basics of Bhangra dancing from Legomyfrodo - who was resplendent as ever in a new silk costume and masses of body jewellery and henna - while Sarudan was watching Elrohir breakdancing on the floor. The Crusaders were following the Pontif's lead and politely applauding him. Scotsmen were dancing the highland fling and tossing cabers (careful!) while Canadians were doing a bizarre Morris dancing thing with hockey sticks and their hats - they would skip towards each other, clash hockey sticks twice, raise their hats and say, "Thank you kindly, eh?" and then move apart again. Darknight shook his head and drained his tankard and held it out for Arwen to refill. "Where's Miruimor?" he asked. The Albertan shrugged.
"Dunno, eh?" she said, "She said something about getting changed - she turned up in a trouser suit, had one drink, looked a bit pale and then rushed off."
"Hmm," said Darknight as he noticed Bruenor was looking decidedly shifty as he drained a bottle or three of Worcester Sauce in the corner on his own. The Catholic marched over to him.
"Oh, hi DK!" began Bruenor, "Great party, isn't . . . owww!"
He said "Owww!" as Darknight had caught him by the ear and was lifting him into the air. "What did you spike Miruimor's drink with?" he hissed.
"Arooo! Arooo! Legomear!" wailed Bruenor, looking like a bizarre cross between Billy Bunter after six months of the Atkins' Diet and Harry Potter, "Nothing!" Darknight twisted his ear some more. "Well, alright! Just a dose of this!" He held out a bottle. Darknight dropped him and real the label.
"'Dr. Oliver Klothzov's Patented Raunchifier'?" Darknight read incredulously, "Where did you get this?" Bruenor rubbed his ear.
"I got it over the Internet - I replied to an unsolicited email I got!" Darknight rolled his eyes. "No," said Bruenor, "It's great - look what it does."
"'Turns staid feminist schoolmarms into raunchy vixens that would make even Britney Spears blush. As used by Christina Aguilera.'" Darknight read. He turned to Bruenor. "You don't believe this chuff, do you?" he asked with scorn.
Bruenor didn't the chance to reply as the door crashed open and Miruimor sashayed into the centre of the floor "dressed" (and the author uses the verb because there really isn't a better one) in basque, bow tie, suspenders and stockings, thigh-high stilettos and a smile. "Let's get this party started!" she cried, leaping on stage and dragging Arwen and Legomyfrodo with her as KingLegolas directed the spots on the trio. Darknight turned to Bruenor.
"Can you forward me that email?" he asked faintly.
"Sure, mate," said Bru, pulling out a video camera. From the speakers, the intro to Lady Marmalade began to boom as Arwen tore off her uniform jacket to roars of approval from the audience. As she was wearing a waistcoat, blouse and vest underneath, the roar was more because of alcohol-impaired judgement than arousal, but the gesture was nice. Legomyfrodo - deciding she was actually rather too young for this - contented herself with placing her palms together above her head and doing that funny head-jiggling thing that is inexplicably sexy. Miruimor grabbed three microphones and threw two of them at the Albertan and the Hindu;
(Miruimor, Arwen, Legomyfrodo, All Three)
Where’s all my soul sisters?
Let me hear ya’ll flow sisters!
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister (oh)
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister.
We met Elvenjess on the old forum site
Struttin’ his stuff on the .net (net)
We said, "Hey, EJ, you know a game we can play?" (woah)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Maple syrup hockey eh? eh? (ooh yeah)
We all love Elvenjess!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ah, oh)
(there was a drunken "YES!" from the audience)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah
yeah)
(Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister)
We sat on the board while he Mod'ed up
(Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister)
And then some daft posts he locked down
In the Off Topic forum
I swear we should have warned him yeah
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Maple syrup hockey eh? eh? (ooh yeah)
We all love Elvenjess!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ah, oh)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah
yeah)
We come through with the money on the PayPal site
Let him buy some more Megs
To post some jpegs!
We independent women, some mistake us for men!
Oh haw many times - look, it's happened again!
A mistake? Well that's you and I’m sorry -
Gonna kick your ass in part III of the story!
Hockey sticks and swords getting love from the lords;
Three bad ass chicks from the Elvenjess boards!
Hey sisters, soul sisters!
Sick of Hampshire snow, sisters!
We make posts with .gifs in the .sig
See those files? Ringwraith 2's post go on for miles!
You wanna gitchie, gitchie, ya ya (come on)
Maple syrup hockey what?
We all love Elvenjess!
(One more time c’mon)
Elvenjess! (ooh)
Admin Elvenjess! (ooh
yeah)
Elvenjess! (ooh, hey
hey hey)
The way he could code was oh so good, see?
The master of script PHP (all right)
Made the board right so you stayed on all night
More (more) more
(more) more
(more)!
Now he's out searching the ISP (ISP)
Getting some more bandwidth (what a guy!)
But he's got good friends so you know how it ends!
More (more)
more (more) more
(more)!
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)
Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya here (here)
Maple syrup hockey eh? eh? (ooh yeah)
We all love Elvenjess!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ah,
oh)
Voulez vous coucher avec moi (Yeah yeah yeah
yeah)
We all love Elvenjess! Ooh yes!
There was a thunderous applause as the three women bowed on the stage amid a shower of thrown roses and offers of marriage. Legomyfrodo hopped off the stage swiftly as she saw a crazy look in Miruimor's drugged eyes as the redhead grabbed a bottle of wine and upended it down her throat.
"If you ain't dirrty, you ain't here to party!" she yelled, as KingLegolas whacked Christina's Stripped on the decks. Miruimor grabbed Arwen and tried to get her to enter into a kick-boxing match but the Albertan was having none of it - she was worried what her parents might think.
Miruimor, however, didn't give a damn what her dad thought anymore, and so flung back her head and began to sing;
(Miruimor, KingLegolas)
Ladies (move!)
Gentlemen (move!)
Somebody ring the alarm
A fire on the roof
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows!)
Oh, I'm overdue
Give me some room
I'm comin through
Paid my dues
In the mood
Me and the girls gonna shake the room
"Erm, Miruimor?" asked Arwen, as water and maple syrup began to splash onto the stage and run down her body in rivulets. She didn't seem to care - flower-scented sugar-water span out of her hair as she kicked into the next verse;
DJ's spinning (show your hands)
Let's get dirrty (that's my jam)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off
It's explosive, speakers are pumping (oh)
Still jumping, six in the morning
Table dancing, glasses are smashing (oh)
No question, time for some action
Temperature's up (can you feel it)
About to erupt
Gonna get my girls
Get your boys
Gonna make some noise
"I'm going to kill you for this, Bruenor!" DK growled, trying to grab the poor intoxicated girl as she span around a pillar. She slipped out of his grasp and landed, splashing through water and syrup, on the floor amid howling revellers.
Wanna get rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party
Sweat dripping over my body
Dancing getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time for my arrival.
Ah, heat is up
So ladies, fellas
Drop your cups
Body's hot
Front to back
Now move your ass
I like that
Tight hip huggers (low for sure)
Shake a little somethin' (on the floor)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off
Let's get open, cause a commotion (ooh oh)
We're still going, eight in the morning
There's no stopping, we keep it popping (oh)
Hot rocking, everyone's talking
Give all you got (give it to me)
Just hit the spot
Gonna get my girls
Get your boys
Gonna make some noise
Rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party
Ooh sweat dripping over my body
Dancing getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty (oh, oh)
It's about time for my arrival
Here it comes, it's the one
You've been waiting on
Get up, get it up
Yup, that's what's up
Giving just what you want
To the maximum
Uh oh, here we go (here we go)
You can tell when the music
Starts to drop
That's when we take it
To the parking lot
And I bet you somebody's
Gonna call the cops
Uh oh's, here we go's (here we go)
Ohh ooh ohh, yeah yeah...
KingLegolas was getting into his big rap, and DK and Arwen took the oportunity to grab Miruimor while she was downing a few shots of tequila. She struggled, but Darknight was considerably stronger and not drunk - and Arwen was armed.
Yo, hot damn, watch that fit redhead go!
She's not normally like that, if you wanna know.
She's dressed like one of those cheap Vegas hos!
I think Bru spiked her drink, you know?
She's the one that excites ya men (ow!)
(this might have been because Arwen whacked her one)
Pay attention now,
'Cause you know she won't do it again!
Yo Miruimor, you feeling okay?
You're not saying "PIG" and you're watching DK! (yeah)
The club is packed, the bar is filled,
This is our last party, fools - do what you will!
Soon we fight HoM - we gonin' get killed!
Big it up!
Baby it's party time, and you know what?
We're blessed, 'cause we got that sexy fox!
People, drink some beers and dance a jig!
I'm like OD, I'm a mad sexist pig!
Darknight and Arwen had managed to stop her dancing but they didn't have enough hands to shut her up;
Wanna get rowdy (rowdy, yeah)
Gonna get a little unruly (ruly)
Get it fired up in a hurry (hurry)
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party (party)
Sweat dripping over my body (body)
Dancing getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time for my arrival
Rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
(Ooh oh)
Get it fired up in a hurry
(Ooh oh)
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party
Ooh sweat dripping over my body
Dancing getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time for my arrival
Darknight turned to her. "Miruimor!" he shouted.
"Uh, what?" she asked as the music abruptly stopped. She reached out for another drink Bruenor was offering her. Darknight slapped it away.
"Miruimor," said Darknight seriously, "I think you have had enough." She threw back her lustrous hair, now matted with maple syrup.
"I don't need no good advice," she sniffed, "I'm already wasted!" Bruenor put his arm around her waist. "Not that wasted, Dwarf."
Darknight looked at her meaningfully. "You are not singing Girls' Aloud songs," he said with deadly seriousness.
"Oh, I get it," she slurred drunkenly, "Just because I'm normally all prim and proper, I let my hair down once and suddenly I'm a party animal! If a man did this it'd be okay, but a woman can't - she has to be ladylike! You're just a migos . . . misgoz . . . mogogogozin . . . gozomogo . . . you don't like me!" She pouted and folded her arms petulantly, and then stuck her tongue out.
Darknight sighed, looked over her head at Arwen, nodded once and then Miruimor slumped forward, unconscious. Arwen placed her hockey stick over her shoulder.
"I'll get her to bed, eh?" she asked. DK nodded.
"Yes," he said, "We have a long day tomorrow." He turned to Bruenor. "You have a lot to answer for," he snarled.
"Oh come on!" said the Dwarf, "You enjoyed that as much as anyone." He paused, "Why didn't you take advantage of it?"
"One, this isn't OD's story and two, some of us are gentlemen," answered DK.
"I note it hasn't got you anywhere with Miruimor," snorted the Dwarf. Darknight tipped his pint over his head and went lonely to bed.